[... if that's the reason you're willing to do this, you're not the only one who shouldn't exist.
Vayne's words from earlier have been stuck in Baldr's mind ever since the meeting. It's not his business and he knows it, yet at the same time he can't help but wonder if Vayne really meant it in the same way that he did, and that curiosity gnaws away at him. The thought that someone else might understand, even if only a little...
It's with that in mind that he goes in search of Vayne once the meeting is over, wanting to ask just what he meant when he said that. It's probably overstepping his bounds, but at the moment, he just wants to feel a little bit less alone.]
[ vayne has been dozing on and off since the meeting, catching up on lost sleep. it feels like he shouldn't. it feels like they're building up to something, and that time spent doing things as mundane or routine as they have is time spent wrong, but ... vayne is no better off than the rest of them in knowing what to do with what they now know.
in any case, baldr will find him on the second floor of the spa, out where it would be easiest to go stargazing. the plushie mio gave him is clutched carefully to his front to keep it from getting dirty, but otherwise vayne is all but a statue, gazing out at some point beyond what anyone can see. at baldr's approach, though, he'll tilt his head. ]
[... ah. Baldr feels almost guilty for bothering Vayne now when he looks so tired, which he knows is in no small part his own fault for not having prepared at least some sort of summary of what he and Wei Wuxian had discovered in the Tower earlier.
The stiffness to Vayne's posture is familiar in an almost painful way. How many times had he stumbled upon Woden in much the same state, brooding over some weighty decision he was going to have to make for the sake of the Empire? But no... he had never found Woden like that... the real Baldr had, and those memories had transferred to him.
Still, he wonders whether the same remedies would work in this situation.]
... you look tired. As forward of me as it may be, would you like me to rub your shoulders?
[It's more than a bit presumptuous, he knows. But in the memories that aren't really his, he can't help but recall just how much that seemed to ease Woden's tension.]
[ oh. that offer actually surprises him. and probably unconsciously, the set of his shoulders stiffens, not unlike the hackles of a cat rising.
there is a very real tension in him, it seems, when it comes to allowing others close. still, the rest of his body language stays open enough. his expression, other than reflecting a faint surprise, doesn't close away. ]
Um... if you want to. You don't really have to. I've had worse than a sleepless night, so you don't need to worry too much...
[Baldr sees this, the unconscious tension suffusing Vayne's body, and he's quick to back away, not wanting to push too far. He's not offended in the slightest, not when he knows how much he was assuming.]
No, if you would prefer I didn't, then I won't. Forgive me for assuming too much.
[...]
For what it is worth, you aren't the only one who has been having sleepless nights lately. I would suspect that holds true for more of us than would admit to it out loud...
[At that, Baldr falls silent for a moment, turning the question he'd like to ask around and around in his mind. He knows asking it is being far too invasive, and yet at the same time he wants nothing more than to hear that he isn't the only one whose very existence is an abomination. It's twisted, in a way, and yet...]
... yes.
[Again the silence stretches out while he weighs his options. Then, at last:]
Back there... you said that you weren't supposed to exist either. What... did you mean by that?
[ ... ah, so that's what he's been trying so desperately to ignore. i want to be alone. i should disappear.
but he misses them. he feels sulpher's absence like he's missing his shadow. he misses each and every one of them, and how they've made the last three years of his life more enjoyable than anything that came before them. he misses the potential of promises made— "i think you're going to follow me forever." laughter on sunny afternoons, hope that there will be something to look forward to, after.
of course he misses them. it's because he wants to protect them that he needs to disappear, after all. but still... ]
... what, exactly, would happen if you went back?
[ is he physically incompatible? that two of the same people cannot exist together?
or is it just in the bonds of people, and how another baldr might already exist, so people have no room in their lives and hearts for this one? ]
I'm not ... trying to be mean. I just want to understand.
I may be a Wraith, but I am indistinguishable from a human. And because I am nothing more than strong emotions in human form, Wraiths seek me out, believing that I am a human rather than another Wraith. You could say I am the equivalent of bait to them...
As long as I am around people, I am putting them in very real danger simply because of what I am. This isn't something that can be altered.
[It's just a part of his very nature.
But at the same time, Vayne's analysis isn't entirely wrong, either. The Woden who still lives already has a Baldr. Ix and all of the nexuses know a Baldr who isn't him and who, even if the same events come to pass, will never be him.
Because he's a monster, not the real Baldr, and that knowledge throbs like a raw, unhealing wound. He can never be something that he never was in the first place.]
There's nothing that can be done to disguise you from these Wraiths, then?
[ he might not know what Wraiths might be specifically, but he can make a guess. he can understand the overall shape of things.
mainly because he's familiar with it as well. not in the same way, but in the overall broad strokes, parallel lines painted on the cosmos. the nature of their existence invites trouble. that trouble is a real danger to those around them... ]
Well. I'm not human either. Or real, really. So ... You're not alone there.
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liberazoth) wrote2024-03-21 02:31 am
Week 3 post-meeting
Vayne's words from earlier have been stuck in Baldr's mind ever since the meeting. It's not his business and he knows it, yet at the same time he can't help but wonder if Vayne really meant it in the same way that he did, and that curiosity gnaws away at him. The thought that someone else might understand, even if only a little...
It's with that in mind that he goes in search of Vayne once the meeting is over, wanting to ask just what he meant when he said that. It's probably overstepping his bounds, but at the moment, he just wants to feel a little bit less alone.]
slams into this late I'm gomen
in any case, baldr will find him on the second floor of the spa, out where it would be easiest to go stargazing. the plushie mio gave him is clutched carefully to his front to keep it from getting dirty, but otherwise vayne is all but a statue, gazing out at some point beyond what anyone can see. at baldr's approach, though, he'll tilt his head. ]
Oh. Hello, Baldr...
[ they of the unfortunate similarities... ]
Is there something ... I can help you with?
IT'S OKAY DW has been committing crimes all day
The stiffness to Vayne's posture is familiar in an almost painful way. How many times had he stumbled upon Woden in much the same state, brooding over some weighty decision he was going to have to make for the sake of the Empire? But no... he had never found Woden like that... the real Baldr had, and those memories had transferred to him.
Still, he wonders whether the same remedies would work in this situation.]
... you look tired. As forward of me as it may be, would you like me to rub your shoulders?
[It's more than a bit presumptuous, he knows. But in the memories that aren't really his, he can't help but recall just how much that seemed to ease Woden's tension.]
no subject
there is a very real tension in him, it seems, when it comes to allowing others close. still, the rest of his body language stays open enough. his expression, other than reflecting a faint surprise, doesn't close away. ]
Um... if you want to. You don't really have to. I've had worse than a sleepless night, so you don't need to worry too much...
no subject
No, if you would prefer I didn't, then I won't. Forgive me for assuming too much.
[...]
For what it is worth, you aren't the only one who has been having sleepless nights lately. I would suspect that holds true for more of us than would admit to it out loud...
no subject
[ ... ]
... I'd ask if ... you're doing all right, but I think the answer to that for ... well, a lot of us, might be pretty obvious.
no subject
... yes.
[Again the silence stretches out while he weighs his options. Then, at last:]
Back there... you said that you weren't supposed to exist either. What... did you mean by that?
no subject
[ it's said simply, plainly. quietly. like he's had plenty of time to come to terms with this.
it's still unhappy sounding, still resigned. ]
I was told that, before we ended up here. What I've seen here, or read in those journal entries...
It helps me understand exactly what it was she was talking about, I guess.
no subject
And then he exhales, long and slow.]
... we're the same, then. I am... something that shouldn't exist.
[Lugh had literally said as much, called him a "monster." But it's only the truth.]
By all rights, it would be best if I didn't return to my world... I know this... I know this, and yet...
no subject
but he misses them. he feels sulpher's absence like he's missing his shadow. he misses each and every one of them, and how they've made the last three years of his life more enjoyable than anything that came before them. he misses the potential of promises made— "i think you're going to follow me forever." laughter on sunny afternoons, hope that there will be something to look forward to, after.
of course he misses them. it's because he wants to protect them that he needs to disappear, after all. but still... ]
... what, exactly, would happen if you went back?
[ is he physically incompatible? that two of the same people cannot exist together?
or is it just in the bonds of people, and how another baldr might already exist, so people have no room in their lives and hearts for this one? ]
I'm not ... trying to be mean. I just want to understand.
no subject
As long as I am around people, I am putting them in very real danger simply because of what I am. This isn't something that can be altered.
[It's just a part of his very nature.
But at the same time, Vayne's analysis isn't entirely wrong, either. The Woden who still lives already has a Baldr. Ix and all of the nexuses know a Baldr who isn't him and who, even if the same events come to pass, will never be him.
Because he's a monster, not the real Baldr, and that knowledge throbs like a raw, unhealing wound. He can never be something that he never was in the first place.]
no subject
[ he might not know what Wraiths might be specifically, but he can make a guess. he can understand the overall shape of things.
mainly because he's familiar with it as well. not in the same way, but in the overall broad strokes, parallel lines painted on the cosmos. the nature of their existence invites trouble. that trouble is a real danger to those around them... ]
Well. I'm not human either. Or real, really. So ... You're not alone there.